Something I've been wondering about for a while... what is love? What makes what you feel for someone love? What's 'true love', and when will/how can I find it? Also the fact that once you get married, people generally have a family... and then your life is wrapped up in your work and your children for the next however many years, until finally your children have families of their own, and you retire. Then you get to come back to your spouse and learn who they are now. What could that possibly feel like?
So, of course, my wonderful subconsciousness tried to help out - but I only remember a few fragments of this dream, the basis of which was this:
I fell in love with this guy, and then later found out that he was born a girl - but that didn't affect how I felt about him.
When I woke up, I felt a sense of relief that I am capable of loving someone for who they are without worrying about who they were.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Exams and my Dogs
So, I haven't been updating this as religiously as I thought I would, but oh well. This one should make up for it:
First I dreamt that I was in my physics exam, and I found out that because things were going so slowly in the registrars office, if I did really poorly on my final I could still drop the class. Then I took the final, which, for some strange reason, was open notebook - which was AWESOME. I kept having to go places and come back though, so I feel like it took me a really long time. But it was fine.
I can't remember the exact order of things, but it would make sense for this bit to happen first:
Brendan and I found this awesome castle place, and we went inside, but it was all charred from a fire - caused by a fire-wielding person! So we went around cleaning it all, and we got to the outside of a tower and there was a tree, and our mom was in the tree, fighting some thing, and she set the tree on fire and burned it down, and Brendan and I helped take care of the thing she was fighting (we all could wield fire). Then we went back into the castle and showed her what we had been doing, and she helped.
Later, I guess my family lived in the castle, and our dogs were tethered outside (I don't know why) and all of these people kept driving by looking at them. I was looking out a bay window - I had a cap and a mask on for some reason - watching the people watching them. A silver limo drove up, stopped in front of the dogs, kept going, then someone in the car saw me watching and jumped out of the car and ran up to the dogs, unclipping them from their leads.
I bolted to go after them, and I ran outside to confront the man, who now had two goons standing next to him. He was still standing there with my dogs, and he goes "Choose." I was like YEAH RIGHT am I going to CHOOSE between my two dogs, who are you to tell me I have to choose?!?! But I noticed that I was standing on the edge of Luna's leash, which the man was holding, and I knew I could trust Lucky, so I picked Lucky - the man dropped both of the leashes, and let them go, and they both took off. Luna's leash got pulled out from under my foot, and I don't know why, but I just got so furious that I set the man's goons on fire. They weren't injured at all, but it scared them, and they brought the dogs back.
Then they promised to go back to carving pumpkins, which is what they had done before becoming the man's goons. I don't know what was up with the man. I think he just wanted to reveal my fire power. Or something.
Later, I was out with my family (we had to replace a doberman's tooth?? I have no idea why) and we drove by splash mountain, which we had all agreed we would go on soon. We were very excited.
Then someone came into my room, and I woke up.
First I dreamt that I was in my physics exam, and I found out that because things were going so slowly in the registrars office, if I did really poorly on my final I could still drop the class. Then I took the final, which, for some strange reason, was open notebook - which was AWESOME. I kept having to go places and come back though, so I feel like it took me a really long time. But it was fine.
I can't remember the exact order of things, but it would make sense for this bit to happen first:
Brendan and I found this awesome castle place, and we went inside, but it was all charred from a fire - caused by a fire-wielding person! So we went around cleaning it all, and we got to the outside of a tower and there was a tree, and our mom was in the tree, fighting some thing, and she set the tree on fire and burned it down, and Brendan and I helped take care of the thing she was fighting (we all could wield fire). Then we went back into the castle and showed her what we had been doing, and she helped.
Later, I guess my family lived in the castle, and our dogs were tethered outside (I don't know why) and all of these people kept driving by looking at them. I was looking out a bay window - I had a cap and a mask on for some reason - watching the people watching them. A silver limo drove up, stopped in front of the dogs, kept going, then someone in the car saw me watching and jumped out of the car and ran up to the dogs, unclipping them from their leads.
I bolted to go after them, and I ran outside to confront the man, who now had two goons standing next to him. He was still standing there with my dogs, and he goes "Choose." I was like YEAH RIGHT am I going to CHOOSE between my two dogs, who are you to tell me I have to choose?!?! But I noticed that I was standing on the edge of Luna's leash, which the man was holding, and I knew I could trust Lucky, so I picked Lucky - the man dropped both of the leashes, and let them go, and they both took off. Luna's leash got pulled out from under my foot, and I don't know why, but I just got so furious that I set the man's goons on fire. They weren't injured at all, but it scared them, and they brought the dogs back.
Then they promised to go back to carving pumpkins, which is what they had done before becoming the man's goons. I don't know what was up with the man. I think he just wanted to reveal my fire power. Or something.
Later, I was out with my family (we had to replace a doberman's tooth?? I have no idea why) and we drove by splash mountain, which we had all agreed we would go on soon. We were very excited.
Then someone came into my room, and I woke up.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Hermit Crabs without shells, and Spiders falling from the SKY
So, the other night my dream was this:
I was in a building with the last people in the world. I don't know what happened to everyone else, and I don't remember who the people left were. There weren't that many though, that's for sure. Suddenly, half of the building (or most of the building) collapsed, and I thought that everyone but me was dead. Then, people started appearing out of the rubble and gathering around me. There weren't that many, but still - SO much better than none. Then for some reason, there were all these hermit crabs without shells wandering around, and I wanted desperately to find them all shells so that they could have somewhere to live - but there weren't any shells in the building! I decided to go outside and have a look around out there for some shells... and just as I stepped outside, all of these HUGE black spiders with rubies for eyes came out of the sky (from spaceships, I think?) and then -
I stopped it.
I walked back inside, and apologized to everyone, because everything that had happened was my fault (I guess that means the essential annihilation of humanity, the shell-less hermit crabs, and the terrifying spiders from the sky). It was because I'd picked the wrong ending in one of those pick-your-own-ending books.
Yeah.
I was in a building with the last people in the world. I don't know what happened to everyone else, and I don't remember who the people left were. There weren't that many though, that's for sure. Suddenly, half of the building (or most of the building) collapsed, and I thought that everyone but me was dead. Then, people started appearing out of the rubble and gathering around me. There weren't that many, but still - SO much better than none. Then for some reason, there were all these hermit crabs without shells wandering around, and I wanted desperately to find them all shells so that they could have somewhere to live - but there weren't any shells in the building! I decided to go outside and have a look around out there for some shells... and just as I stepped outside, all of these HUGE black spiders with rubies for eyes came out of the sky (from spaceships, I think?) and then -
I stopped it.
I walked back inside, and apologized to everyone, because everything that had happened was my fault (I guess that means the essential annihilation of humanity, the shell-less hermit crabs, and the terrifying spiders from the sky). It was because I'd picked the wrong ending in one of those pick-your-own-ending books.
Yeah.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Africa?
Last night I had this bizarre dream about doing research in a swamp in Africa. At some point in it, I was just trying to find something to eat, something I could stand, and what I found was sort of like prehistoric corn - it was HUGE and the kernels looked kind of weird, and there were these peach-colored squishy sort of disk things poking up here and there along the length of the 'corn'. Eternally grateful to the man who brought it to me, I took a huge bite just as he said 'be sure to pull out the leeches. They're poisonous.' The leeches being those peachy things. I'd already eaten practically a whole mouthful, and I was panicking, but the guy was already gone (he had been on his way out the door when he said that). I ran into the kitchen, and my grandfather was standing there. When I told him what had happened, he told me to eat salt - that would kill the leeches before they could suck up my blood from within. We were then trying to find a can of salt, but there weren't any! All we could find were those little individual packages of salt.
Then my research partner walked in, and something happened, but I don't know what. The next thing I knew, it was several years previous to the first part of the dream. I think my research partner and I were leaving - we didn't have the money to keep up the research, and she had a kid she didn't want to raise in the swamp, so we walked to the catwalk that led out of the swamp, turned, looked back (the sun was setting - it was actually really gorgeous - not like a "swamp" that we think of here in new england... more like a vibrant, GREEN marshland almost, but tropical), then turned to leave, and her daughter was GONE. We could see ripples in the swamp, but it was dark and murky and we couldn't see the girl - We couldn't jump in without a flashlight (the only way I can think to describe the swamp is this: it was like an iced over pond. You don't just jump in after someone, you have to fish them out because you run the excellent risk of killing yourself otherwise) so, I ran back to the research station to find a flashlight, but I could only remember where the flashlights of the future WOULD be - but they weren't there yet. So, I couldn't find a flashlight, and I was freaking out because the daughter was going to die (if she wasn't dead yet), and I couldn't help my research partner when she really needed me to help her, and well, obviously I didn't want the girl to die! But I couldn't find a flashlight!!!! Then, three people walked in - my research partner, her daughter, and some random man. At first I thought that the man had jumped into the water, but it turned out the daughter had run away to some judge's house (idk why there was a judge living in the swamp) because she didn't want to leave the swamp.
I guess we stayed to continue research, because the first part of my dream took place in the future.
Odd, indeed. At least I've stopped dreaming about fiances/boyfriends/soulmates. That was getting obnoxious.
Then my research partner walked in, and something happened, but I don't know what. The next thing I knew, it was several years previous to the first part of the dream. I think my research partner and I were leaving - we didn't have the money to keep up the research, and she had a kid she didn't want to raise in the swamp, so we walked to the catwalk that led out of the swamp, turned, looked back (the sun was setting - it was actually really gorgeous - not like a "swamp" that we think of here in new england... more like a vibrant, GREEN marshland almost, but tropical), then turned to leave, and her daughter was GONE. We could see ripples in the swamp, but it was dark and murky and we couldn't see the girl - We couldn't jump in without a flashlight (the only way I can think to describe the swamp is this: it was like an iced over pond. You don't just jump in after someone, you have to fish them out because you run the excellent risk of killing yourself otherwise) so, I ran back to the research station to find a flashlight, but I could only remember where the flashlights of the future WOULD be - but they weren't there yet. So, I couldn't find a flashlight, and I was freaking out because the daughter was going to die (if she wasn't dead yet), and I couldn't help my research partner when she really needed me to help her, and well, obviously I didn't want the girl to die! But I couldn't find a flashlight!!!! Then, three people walked in - my research partner, her daughter, and some random man. At first I thought that the man had jumped into the water, but it turned out the daughter had run away to some judge's house (idk why there was a judge living in the swamp) because she didn't want to leave the swamp.
I guess we stayed to continue research, because the first part of my dream took place in the future.
Odd, indeed. At least I've stopped dreaming about fiances/boyfriends/soulmates. That was getting obnoxious.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Day Dream
Today while I was working on my pset, I put my head down and fell asleep.
I dreamt something short and uncomplicated, but when I woke up, all I remembered was this image of a woman kneeling, looking at photographs she had taken (I think she was a photographer) that were strewn around on the floor. On the top was something she had taken when she was young and passionate about her work. It had no borders (all of her recent photos were printed with white borders) and it was a photo of a few pages of poetry on a brick floor. It was gorgeous, and it said so much.
I think that I put it there, to remind her of who she had been, and who she still was underneath it all. The photograph and the reminder made her cry.
Then I woke up and went back to work.
I dreamt something short and uncomplicated, but when I woke up, all I remembered was this image of a woman kneeling, looking at photographs she had taken (I think she was a photographer) that were strewn around on the floor. On the top was something she had taken when she was young and passionate about her work. It had no borders (all of her recent photos were printed with white borders) and it was a photo of a few pages of poetry on a brick floor. It was gorgeous, and it said so much.
I think that I put it there, to remind her of who she had been, and who she still was underneath it all. The photograph and the reminder made her cry.
Then I woke up and went back to work.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Whale Dream
Last night I dreamt that I was on a raft in the middle of the ocean with someone (idk who, maybe more than one person) and a killer whale poked it's snout above the water, and blew out it's blow-hole, then dove and came up right under the raft - the people jumped off, and I'm a little fuzzy on this part, I don't know if it came out, then dove and came up again, or if this happened the first time, but what happened was this:
Somehow, I got caught up in the momentum of the whale, and I was lifted out of the water with it. I soared through the air, and then plunged back into the water with the whale.
Then we were all on shore, and the mafia (or some similar group) was giving us towels, and being a little threatening, then one of them told how they had seen me 'lifted' (that wasn't the word he used, but the word he used was one that I don't think exists in my vocabulary) with the whale, and they were all really impressed and didn't harass us anymore.
The end.
Haha. Sorry, I haven't been recording, I should really get on this. Lately I have either been not sleeping at all, or catching up on sleep such that I sleep like the dead. Anyway, I'll try to be more on top of things!
Somehow, I got caught up in the momentum of the whale, and I was lifted out of the water with it. I soared through the air, and then plunged back into the water with the whale.
Then we were all on shore, and the mafia (or some similar group) was giving us towels, and being a little threatening, then one of them told how they had seen me 'lifted' (that wasn't the word he used, but the word he used was one that I don't think exists in my vocabulary) with the whale, and they were all really impressed and didn't harass us anymore.
The end.
Haha. Sorry, I haven't been recording, I should really get on this. Lately I have either been not sleeping at all, or catching up on sleep such that I sleep like the dead. Anyway, I'll try to be more on top of things!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
4.25-4.26
So, last night/this morning I had a whole smorgasbord of dreams. (I've had dreams every night, but I haven't really gotten into the habit of writing all of my dreams down yet, so here we are).
Strangely, and uncomfortably, nearly all of my dreams lately have focused on a 'soul mate' or 'true love' or something along those lines... which is all well and good, I really don't mind, but, you know? C'mon brain, I know you can do better than that. Not to mention, all these guys who are so in love with me/I'm so in love with in my dreams don't actually exist in real life. Which is a little bit frustrating. Actually, it's really frustrating, so I'd like these dreams to stop.
Besides, even if there was someone who was in love with me, I'm not sure that I'm particularly mature enough in that aspect of my life/brain to accept it. i get very anxious about things like that. Who loves who more? (whom??) I described it to anita as an indefinite integral (I don't know why. I guess because that's what I was working on at the time): It's infinity over infinity, and it appears to be that way initially, but upon closer examination, you find out that it's really 0/infinity, or infinity/0. Even though that's somewhat acceptable in calculus, it isn't acceptable in love. So, that's what really bothers me, I guess. What if someone's love is actually approaching zero, and not infinity? How do you know if it isn't you? What do you do if it isn't?? How do you get over it?
Anyway. I suppose stuff like this is really for Panoptes.
My dream:
I think that I dreamt that I was basically Harry Potter, but I was myself. So I was a female Harry Potter. I think. And I was sitting on the very very very top of this playground (which was verrrrrrry high up) in the center of a city area I think with the half-conceived notion of killing myself. Maybe not, but I remember being really upset and sad in my dream, and looking to get as far away from everyone and everything as possible. Also, I think I was being chased, so I was hiding. Unfortunately, in my quest to get away, I found myself on the top of this playground with the ability to see EVERYTHING that was going on. And from my perch, I saw a Draco Malfoy/Ron Weasly combination getting in trouble for something, and I used some spell to have him tell a joke or something... I don't know why. I think that at the time, I didn't realize that I was doing a spell, I thought that I was just hearing what they were saying, rather than telling them what to say. At any rate, Draco/Ron (of whom I was not particularly a fan) walked off and wandered around, finally coming up the playground and sitting in the tube that I was sitting on top of.
Anyway, I guess we talked a bit and became friends. That's really all I remember of that, except that at some later point, I'm being chased (by death eaters?) and I hide in a basement somewhere.
Then the dream changes.
There's a man inside the basement, along with a bunch of other people, but this man is the most interesting. He's a hatter, and he's making a hat. It's a really large green hat, that looks like it came out of dr. seuss. I really like it. He tells me that it's a magic hat, and 'would I like to see his house?' which sounds really creepy but I promise wasn't - the house he was talking about was a doll house he was also making, and the way that I would see it was some magic involving the hat. So I said ok, and he had me put on some other hat, and then I could see the house - I wasn't actually there, it was a tiny astral projection of myself or something (heh) and through whatever movements he was making (like, if he took a step then my astral projection could take a step) I got to see this house. Which was haunted. Hehe. But I think I decided that it wasn't really haunted - the man's daughter had invented the ghost, so I took a piece of paper (Don't know how I could touch it) and wrote a note. Then someone was knocking on the door of this doll house that I was exploring, and when I went to open it, I was in this house community and some other guy was there welcoming me to the neighborhood.
It was really strange.
I also dreamt that I turned on my iphone, and it worked, but I've been dreaming that for a few days.
Anyway, that's all for now. I don't know what exactly I dreamt about love, but I know that I dreamt about it. You know that warm fuzzy feeling you wake up with, that sort of melts and turns cold when you realize it was all a dream? Yeah.
Strangely, and uncomfortably, nearly all of my dreams lately have focused on a 'soul mate' or 'true love' or something along those lines... which is all well and good, I really don't mind, but, you know? C'mon brain, I know you can do better than that. Not to mention, all these guys who are so in love with me/I'm so in love with in my dreams don't actually exist in real life. Which is a little bit frustrating. Actually, it's really frustrating, so I'd like these dreams to stop.
Besides, even if there was someone who was in love with me, I'm not sure that I'm particularly mature enough in that aspect of my life/brain to accept it. i get very anxious about things like that. Who loves who more? (whom??) I described it to anita as an indefinite integral (I don't know why. I guess because that's what I was working on at the time): It's infinity over infinity, and it appears to be that way initially, but upon closer examination, you find out that it's really 0/infinity, or infinity/0. Even though that's somewhat acceptable in calculus, it isn't acceptable in love. So, that's what really bothers me, I guess. What if someone's love is actually approaching zero, and not infinity? How do you know if it isn't you? What do you do if it isn't?? How do you get over it?
Anyway. I suppose stuff like this is really for Panoptes.
My dream:
I think that I dreamt that I was basically Harry Potter, but I was myself. So I was a female Harry Potter. I think. And I was sitting on the very very very top of this playground (which was verrrrrrry high up) in the center of a city area I think with the half-conceived notion of killing myself. Maybe not, but I remember being really upset and sad in my dream, and looking to get as far away from everyone and everything as possible. Also, I think I was being chased, so I was hiding. Unfortunately, in my quest to get away, I found myself on the top of this playground with the ability to see EVERYTHING that was going on. And from my perch, I saw a Draco Malfoy/Ron Weasly combination getting in trouble for something, and I used some spell to have him tell a joke or something... I don't know why. I think that at the time, I didn't realize that I was doing a spell, I thought that I was just hearing what they were saying, rather than telling them what to say. At any rate, Draco/Ron (of whom I was not particularly a fan) walked off and wandered around, finally coming up the playground and sitting in the tube that I was sitting on top of.
Anyway, I guess we talked a bit and became friends. That's really all I remember of that, except that at some later point, I'm being chased (by death eaters?) and I hide in a basement somewhere.
Then the dream changes.
There's a man inside the basement, along with a bunch of other people, but this man is the most interesting. He's a hatter, and he's making a hat. It's a really large green hat, that looks like it came out of dr. seuss. I really like it. He tells me that it's a magic hat, and 'would I like to see his house?' which sounds really creepy but I promise wasn't - the house he was talking about was a doll house he was also making, and the way that I would see it was some magic involving the hat. So I said ok, and he had me put on some other hat, and then I could see the house - I wasn't actually there, it was a tiny astral projection of myself or something (heh) and through whatever movements he was making (like, if he took a step then my astral projection could take a step) I got to see this house. Which was haunted. Hehe. But I think I decided that it wasn't really haunted - the man's daughter had invented the ghost, so I took a piece of paper (Don't know how I could touch it) and wrote a note. Then someone was knocking on the door of this doll house that I was exploring, and when I went to open it, I was in this house community and some other guy was there welcoming me to the neighborhood.
It was really strange.
I also dreamt that I turned on my iphone, and it worked, but I've been dreaming that for a few days.
Anyway, that's all for now. I don't know what exactly I dreamt about love, but I know that I dreamt about it. You know that warm fuzzy feeling you wake up with, that sort of melts and turns cold when you realize it was all a dream? Yeah.
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